Sometimes (a lot of times), I feel really dumb. I also feel conflicted about my dumbness. I mean, I know, in the scheme of things and in relation to the actual population of the world, I am not dumb. I can go to the mall and stand around and listen to people say things that contain dangerously high concentrations of stupidity, and yet, when I talk to a really smart person, or read a really good book, or hear people having an intelligent discussion, I'm just like, damn, I'm stupid.
For a long time I believed that I was really smart. I don't think all through elementary, middle, and high school (even college?) that I ever questioned that I was really, really smart. I could do anything anybody asked me to do, any time. Any test that I was given, I could score the highest that you could possibly score. No problem. But in the real world I am not doing so hot. There are so many people who are more informed than me when it comes to, say, politics, religion, technology, science...basically just the whole world around us. People read books that I don't understand. They learn things faster than I do. They are more creative than me. And they are everywhere, outsmarting me at every turn! Why am I getting dumber and dumber while everyone else just keeps getting smarter? I don't think library school is helping matters. I think librarians have a rep for being smart people, and I guess they are a lot of times, but in reality you could be really fucking stupid and still get through library school fairly easily. It's not hard at all. It's just...using the library. Middle schoolers do it. Retarded people do it (trust me, I see them). I kind of wish I had had the balls to do something really challenging, where I would have been pushed to really do my best, rather than taking the easy way out. Which is what I feel like I'm doing.
Why does any of this matter? I'm not sure. It might come in part from the fact that, for a long time, I was The Smart Kid. There may have always been someone who was funnier/cooler/faster/cuter than I was, someone who could sing better or draw better or had more friends, but at least I had the smug satisfaction of knowing (thinking) that I was smarter than them. And it let me be Somebody, somebody who was the best at one thing, rather than a regular, average old Nobody. Now that I am not The Smartest, I kind of feel like the Coyote who walked off the cliff and just looked down to see nothing but open air underneath.
The real bitch here is that I am totally going to stay this way (dumb and nervous about it) because I am too afraid to try to be smarter. I'm afraid that I will "out" myself as dumb to people who I previously had fooled; I'm afraid that I'll try to challenge myself but fail and realize that I am a permanent resident of Dumbton. I don't want to be that person who's always trying to get deep or talk about "smart" things and you're just like, "Aw, honey.....no." And I guess, as always, I have problems with attention and motivation. Ask me about this tomorrow and I'll probably be all, "Ah, bitches, whatever! I'm smart as hell! Get that book out of my face...let's eat some cookies!" Heh. I do know a lot about cookies. I guess that's something.
I hope this didn't sound real super-serious or anything. I'm just shooting the shit. I actually wrote some parts of this several months ago and it's just been sitting on my computer, so now you (whoever you are) have to read it. Ha ha. Tough luck.
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2 comments:
It's funny that you say that. Especially with your new blog about learning something everyday. I think as long as you continue to learn ( and I'm not talking about finding out Cabot Ray is socialist and saying "oh you learn something everyday" learning) but actually read ,keep up on current events, you'll are way ahead of the curve.
There's always going to be someone smarter than you about something. Find your strong points.
I've got the internet covered, find something else.
Cabot Rea is a socialist? Chase you are smart, you just have to have the confidence.. which few of us have, but it's something you get over time. By the way, the interview was scary as shit.
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