I'm buggin out! I'M BUGGIN OUT!

I have entomophobia: fear of insects. Please don't try to reasonably explain to me why I shouldn't be afraid of bugs; it's a phobia. It's a natural psychological response to piss down your leg at the sight of a little bug, okay? The main object of my phobia these days is the common house centipede, or, as I like to call it, "satanpede." What you may not know about the satanpede is that it can run at speeds up to 90 mph, smells fear, and carries a tiny switchblade in each one of its many hands. Also: can read your thoughts, and eats babies. Those may seem like hilarious jokes to you, but if you read that article I linked to you'll find the following information:

"[Satanpedes] capture prey by half pouncing and half lassoing them. They can capture several prey items at one time. They feed on one specimen while holding the others with their quivering, lashing appendages."

SEE?! Tiny lassoes! These fuckers mean business. The worst thing is that the only solution I've found to getting rid of them (besides calling an exterminator, which, like, I'm poor) is to put down glue traps along the baseboards, where they like to run. Because, if you're terrified of something, the best way to deal with it is to be forced to stare at its lifeless, decaying carcass stuck to a puddle of glue for a week. Jesus. I can't fucking win.

I do have to say: the capper to this whole entry is that I noticed on the Wikipedia entry for "-phob," under "psychological conditions," claustrophobia is listed as "fear of Santa Claus." That is so rad. I know I should be all, "that is an inappropriate use of this resource," but whatever, it's so funny.